Picking Myself Up, Again and Again

The last few weeks have been a doozy for me.  Nothing bad in particular, I have just felt miserable, crappy and nasty.  I have been trying to figure out what the issue has been and of course, try to get over it.  My PCOS seems to be going berserk, my doctor decided to retire (I have been going to him for 12 years), I had bronchitis, I have had huge stress at work (I work as an accountant in the middle of a recession in the construction industry---you do the math), I have no energy and just have been exhausted.  To top it off, I can't sleep because I can't shut my mind off. 

For the past year, my PCOS has been on a roll like I have never seen before and I think I am hitting my breaking point.  I am sick of not feeling well.  I am sick of having to take a handful of medicine each day.  I am sick of cyst pain.  I am heavier than I have ever been.  I am just sick of it.  Everyone with a chronic disease feels this way at some time in their life.  I literally am just sick of PCOS.  I hate it. 

So, what am I going to do about it?  I could stay in bed and cry and feel sorry for myself because right now that is just what I want to do.  It would just be so much easier to give up, to stop caring.  I am just tired.

But, I won't do that.  If you have read my previous posts, you'll see most of the time I am a very optimistic, reach for the stars kind of person.  I have to get back to that point---because right now I am just cranky.  So, I will.  Tomorrow I am going to try to get up with a smile on my face.  I am going to beat this thing, I refuse to let it control me.  Stupid as it may sound, just saying that out loud can make a difference.  I am going to follow my own advice and start by making a list.  I will not let this get me down any longer.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I WILL find a new doctor that cares about me as much as the old, I WILL leave my stress at work, I WILL get enough sleep tomorrow night and I WILL beat my PCOS. 

The funny thing is, I feel better already...

Where to Start?

PCOS affects so many facets of our daily lives.  Food, exercise, skin condition, hair condition, weight, emotions, pain and on and on and on...  Where does someone with PCOS even start?  Changing your entire life and way of thinking isn't going to happen over night.

My suggestion is to prioritize what you want to change.  Make a list of what symptoms or difficulties of PCOS frustrate you the most.  I generally limit my list to three items at a time, once I tackle one of those items, I re-evaluate and add another frustration.

So for me, here is what my list might look like.

1.  I am frustrated that I have had fertility issues.
2.  I can't lose weight!
3.  I am an emotional roller coaster.

After I make this list, I write down two things I can do EACH day without fail to help tackle each item.  This can be a hard part because you have to commit to doing this every day, or you will find that you are overwhelmed and end up giving up.  I try to choose small things to do.  For example, if you struggle with your weight and you exercise for 15 minutes a day, try to make a goal to add an additional 5 minutes.  Also, phrase these as "I will" instead of "I will try."  By saying you are going to do something, you are more likely to actually follow through because there isn't an out!

Here is how I might expand my list:

1.  I am frustrated that I have had fertility issues.
~I will read one article a day dealing with infertility to learn more and stay up-to-date on current research
~I will talk to others about my feelings

2.  I can't lose weight!
~I will add an extra 5-10 minutes of physical activity to my schedule
~I will replace all beverages I drink with water instead (except my morning milk!)

3.  I am an emotional roller coaster.~I will make 10 minutes for myself each day to do something for myself
~I will go to bed on time in order to get adequate sleep

After making these mini-goals, put your plan into action.  As you look at my list, I would like to point out that even if I did each and every one of those items it would take about an additional 30 minutes out of my day if I did them individually, but I could combine the physical activity with doing something for myself and not really increase the energy put out by much at all.  However, winning the battle does take commitment, and you are WORTH the time it takes!

Look for my next post on the next steps to take and how rewards help and that hitting a plateau or taking steps backward is okay!

You're likely to hate me...and that is OKAY!

I have something that a lot of woman with PCOS dream of having and do not ever get.  I have a baby.  Yep, I have PCOS, am only 30 years old and I have a 6 year old daughter.  And, to add insult to injury, she was conceived the first month we tried.  I am blessed, truly blessed and I know this.  As I have begun to frequent the many PCOS blogs out there, my heart aches for those sufferers who have been trying for 5-10 years to no success.  Please hate me.  It is okay. 

But, I would also say, I, too, understand the struggle.  "Yeah, right?  How is that possible?  YOU have a baby," you say.  Well, I have been trying for a second child for 4.5 years now.  I have had multiple miscarriages and month after month of no success.  Is it the same way I would feel if I didn't have my daughter?  I don't know, because I do have my precious daughter. 

How did it happen?  Well, I was diagnosed young.  Immediately my doctor (a fertility specialist) began to treat me as if I was going to struggle to get pregnant---I wasn't even married yet.  He knew the earlier we treated, the easier that first child was going to be.  He immediately began treating me by "turning" off my reproductive system with birth control.  He also suggested I try a low dose of metformin to make sure my blood sugars were in check.  Plus, he recommended exercise and a diabetic diet.  So, I did all of these things for about 3 years.  And, it payed off.  Somehow this preparation actually worked.  We were blessed with a healthy 8 lb. 2 1/2 oz. baby girl.

Fast forward a year and a half---we were ready to try again.  I knew it wouldn't be as easy, but with our first success in mind, I thought it would happen fairly quickly.  I didn't have the time to spend exercising and completely focusing on "preparing" my body.  So began the montly disappointments.  Then, when our daughter was 2 1/2, it happened!  I can remember thinking, "PERFECT, 3 years apart is a great distance, we'll be done with diapers by the time I am 30," and so on.  So at 12 weeks gestation, even after hearing a perfect heartbeat, we lost the precious little babe.

It was a nightmare.  My heart still aches to remember this moment in our life.  Lucky for us, my sister, being a genetic counselor, and my doctor, being fairly progressive, ordered genetic testing to be done to determine what had happened.  Good news!  It wasn't related to hormone levels---the now beautiful angel had an extra copy of every chromosome (partial molar pregnancy).  There was a genetic reason---it wasn't MY fault.  So fast forward 3 months.  I was pregnant AGAIN!  Could it really be?  At 8 weeks gestation, we lost another baby. 

The nightmare began again.  Again, we had genetic testing done.  Good news again from a PCOS sufferers standpoint!  It wasn't related to my hormones.  The angel had an extra copy of Chromosome-22.  Again, there was a genetic reason---it wasn't MY fault.  And, this miscarriage was unrelated to the earlier miscarriage.  All pluses and positives for a fertility patient.

Well, now it has been another 3 1/2 years and still no pregnancy.  So, we're taking a break.  What was it about the first situation that made it so easy?  1) I prepared my body with medicine and exercise and diet.  2) My expectations were that I would get pregnant and I had a positive attitude.  It is time I go back to the basic principals.  I am re-preparing my body with the same avenues that I did before.  I am also really trying to concentrate on keeping a positive light about the PCOS and pregnancy.  Maybe it will work, maybe it won't, but it is worth a shot.

If I don't have another baby, it is okay, I have been blessed beyond all imagination.  And, too, I understand if you hate me because I have what so many PCOS suffferers don't have.  But, I also hope that I serve as a reminder that PCOS doesn't mean you are infertile (unless there is some other issue as well).  PCOS just means you have fertility issues.  I also serve as a reminder that sometimes dreams to come true.

My proof that miracles really do happen.  This is my miracle baby girl.

Positivity: Connections Matter

In my post yesterday about my basic philosophy, I listed being positive as being a basic part of my success with my battle against PCOS. I really my positive attitude has helped me find success. My doctor has often said that he feels I am upbeat about my condition and that it really helps me "conquer." The last doctor's appointment I had, he said that he could see my positivity slipping and so I really took note of that and concentrated on the postives in my life.

As I reflected, I realized that being positive often stems from the people who are my "rocks" and stand with me through everything. My friends and family are absolutely incredible. I have so many unique relationships that really provide me with the stability I need to make it through.

I suggest that everyone sit down and reflect on who the people are that help them get through. Knowing you have an emotional foundation to fall back on when you are struggling is important. Who are your "rocks?"

These are mine:
~My daughter, Elaina, is probably the number one "rock" for me. She provides me with inspiration that cannot be expressed in words. I want to be there for her, so I have to make my health a priority.

~My husband and best friend, Ron, is also incredible. He has stuck with me through the mood swings, the ups and downs, the pressures of fertility issues, the weight gain and it all. I really feel it is as hard on him as it is on me.

This is my husband, Ron, my daughter, Elaina and me on one of our many adventures.

~My mother is always there to tell me, "Remember, it could be worse, you are alive and have so much going for you." It helps to remember that it can ALWAYS be worse, even in our darkest hour.

~My sister and my OTHER best friend, Annie, is and will always be there for me. She is there to tell me that even though it can be worse, that it just plain nasty for anyone to deal with. She is also my medical link---she is a genetic counselor and will often times send me medical papers and information with the latest updates on PCOS. It can be very helpful. From left to right is my mother, Carol, Elaina, me and my sister, Annie hiking at the Grand Canyon.

~My doctor really helps me stay down to earth. I don't always like him, he can be pretty arrogant, but at the end of the day, my best interest is what he is aiming for, even when he has to tell me things I don't want to hear. He also made a couple of critical calls in my pregnancy and delivered a healthy baby for us, so he will always be important to me and my family!

~My wonderful friend, Kristi, who also suffers from PCOS is the ear I can bend whenever I am in need. She understands 100%. Having someone who knows my experiences is more valuable than I could ever imagine. She is always there to throw ideas off of or talk about her own experiences or listen to mine. I really feel she has helped with my coping with PCOS more than anyone else. This is me with Kristi (on the right) at my wedding! I stole this picture from her!
Read her blog: http://myjourneythroughhormonalhell.blogspot.com/

~My mother-in-law, Colleen, also likely suffered from PCOS. She dealt with fertility issues and has been a great inspiration as she has lost over 100 lbs and kept it off. Colleen and Elaina at a lake in Montana. She looks great!

So, the next time you are struggling to remain positive, just write a quick list of the people in your life that are there for you and how they can help you succeed!

My Basic Philosophy

As much as I would like to, I can't write everything I have learned over the past 10 years in one post! So, I am writing an outline that I will post in the next few days highlighting what I have done and haven't done with specific symptoms and whatnot. But, in the meantime, here is a basic breakdown of what I do to cope!

1) Most of the time I follow a modified South Beach Diet, when I say modified, it is very modified. I eat lean meat (elk and lean beef). I stay away from WHITE starches as much as possible: white rice, potatoes (the HARDEST thing to do!), and pasta. I do eat whole grain varieties of the items listed above, but only in moderation. In addition, I aim for 30 grams of fiber via food items per day. I really don't look at other things besides the fiber content but you'll find if you look at fiber, you are generally eating lower calorie foods like vegetables. I also avoid sugar. I will outline my meal ideas for you in a later post!

2) I exercise. It hurts, it is painful, it is necessary. Unfortunately to do much good you have to increase your metabolism, which means cardio. I am not a skinny doctor telling you have to exercise, I am an overweight fellow PCOS sufferer and I really do understand how hard it is. There is a basic weightloss formula:

For weightloss: Calories spent - Caloric intake = Loss or Gain. Your calories spent MUST be greater than caloric intake in order to lose weight. What about the fact that PCOS sufferers have a very SLOW metabolism? My goal is to increase my metabolism. I find if I eat what I listed above plus do cardio 4-5 times a week for 45 minutes, I can literally FEEL the boost in my metabolism.

3) I really try to be positive. Right now with the economy tight around the world and extra stress, this is REALLY hard. But, I try to read each night to clear my mind. I try to take time when I am eating lunch and just block out the world. This is THE hardest thing for me to do.

4) Sleep is critical. When I don't sleep well, I don't eat well, I don't exercise, and I am not positive.

These for things, along with medication (at times) have really helped me push back at my symptoms and tell them I am not having anything to do with them. I have definitely strayed from this "basic philosophy," including a current detour but in the end I always come back to the same ideas and get my PCOS back under control. Look for more posts soon on what I do in these areas to help!

Please note: I am not a medical doctor nor am I an expert on PCOS nor do I pretend to be.  Everything I write is from personal experience and based on my research.  Please contact your doctor before you change your diet or exercise intensity or falter from your treatment program.